Hermana Ross in Paraguay: May 11 Week 11

Dear Family,

Well, I just talked to you yesterday, but I guess I still have a regular amount to tell you. TBH there`s just no way to have satisfactory communication on a mission. Really. Which I think was good for me to realize, because of course I`d fallen into the trap of thinking "I`d feel better if... (insert: I could talk to my family, or whatever)" but yesterday helped me realize that it`s just hard no matter what and there`s no "easy fix" for something that would make all my problems go away. Bummer, amirite? But I guess if life was easy it wouldn`t be hard.

Early in the week: So the same thing happened to me this week which had happened to me last week, which was that on Tuesday/Wednesday especially I was just feeling super happy. Encouraged, excited, etc. I couldn`t really tell you why, but it was great. The rest of the week was good too, but just especially those days.

English class: So we had our first English class this week. It was somewhat poorly attended, but we`re hoping it will pick up speed as time goes on. Also, the four elders in our district attended, so that upped our attendance by a lot. Too bad all but one of them are native English speakers... #whyweretheyeventhere

Comp dynamic: So I told you about this on the phone, but this past week has just been funny in terms of our planning for working with investigators. I pretty much just plan out where we`re going to go and what we`re going to say and then Hermana Valenzuela does it all. It`s really funny and works out pretty well. It`s just a bummer because obviously I`m unable with my language limitations to really form deep/personal relationships with people. Rachel mentioned that I don`t really talk much about people we`re working with in letters, and honestly it`s mostly because I don`t have very personal ties with anyone. I really like a lot of the people we`re teaching, but it`s just really hard because I only know about them what Hna. V translates for me, and they know NOTHING about me. I feel like I`m just a sweet American missionary to them and that`s it. So, that`s hard. But really the message we`re sharing has nothing to do with me anyway, so I guess it`s chill that nobody here really knows/cares about me #hardpilltoswallow

Wedding!: So we`ve been teaching this Brazilian family named the Souzas, and the mom (Edna) is getting baptized this Saturday! So in order for that to happen, they got married on this past Saturday! It was quite exciting. I mean they`ve already been living together for like 30 years, but now it`s official! And we decorated and made a cake and took pictures and it was super fun. It`s just fun to have something to get ready for, ya know? Plus it was a cool step forward for them in their lives. They have a son who is an RM and the only active member in the family, so he`s been way stoked that his mom is getting baptized. We have lunch with them twice a week, so we`re over there a lot. I have pictures I`ll attach from the wedding. Hermana Valenzuela did Edna`s makeup and I did her hair and it was way fun.

Sunday trauma: So mostly I already told you all of this yesterday, but yesterday afternoon on was literally THE WORST. Oh my gosh, I cannot even. We tried to get internet access for four hours plus and nothing was working and the elders were driving us crazy and it was just really bad. So much the worst thing ever. It was actually so bad it was funny, so I guess that`s good. And then like I told you we finally found somewhere to get the internet, but it was across town and while we were walking these guys tried to mug us and it was just traumatic and awful. In the fight/flight dynamic I really feel like I`m neither haha. I guess probably flight, but Hermana Valenzuela definitely started running before I did. Lolz #paraguayprobz. Anyway, so I felt/feel really bad that I was kind of in a weird mood during skype and I just feel like I didn`t get to say a lot of stuff I wanted to. So I just was feeling really sad afterwards (and not even trunky, but just really unsatsified in general, which is a hard emotion to define), so we finally get home at like 10pm and I`m starving so I got myself cereal and started eating it in my bed and then Hermana Valenzuela asked me something and I just started crying. Hahahaha WHY does this happen?! I feel like I`ve been more emotional in the past three months than I have in the past three YEARS. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. So we just talked about it all last night and I feel better today. Really. I think I was just in a weird place. It was great to talk with you all, of course, but there was just too much build up with the trauma of the day beforehand. Missions are a weird kind of hard. Really weird.

Ok, so I feel like we just talked (because we did) so sorry this email is shorter. I really love you guys a lot. If we were able to talk to our families on the mish I think it would make it too much easier. I really think that`s the hardest single thing about the mission. There are a million other hard things (the language, rejection, not knowing what to say, being tired, etc.), but I think that it`s all amplified by 1000% because there`s just no external support. I literally only have prayer, the scriptures, and Hermana Valenzuela. And obviously God is looking out for me, but it`s just a different form of support than what I`m used to. I had prayer before, but I ALSO had family, friends, coworkers, etc. Like I said, nobody here knows me or can even get to know me with the language barrier, so it`s really hard to feel "liked." I know I need to learn how to feel satisfied without constant external support (duh, otherwise I`ll live my whole life unhappy with the attention people aren`t giving me), but it`s hard. And it`s extra hard to do it in Paraguay. Ok, sorry this got kind of existential. I feel like I always end up typing in stream of consciousness.

I hope you all have a great week! I really (really) appreciate your support!! Love you!!

Con amor,

Hermana Ross