Hermana Ross in Paraguay: Week 30

Dear Family,

Well, this was the other hardest week of my life. So hard so hard. It finished out ight, cause there was a SICK wedding/baptismal fiesta on Saturday, but before that was rough. Anyway, I´ll explain shortly, but mostly it´s just feelings, which are hard to understand, let´s be honest. We´ll start with the bad news and move onto the good news from there:

Bad news:

SO it started out with me just not feeling super happy Sunday night/Monday on account of a lot of passive aggressive communication that was taking place and also just the weird place that I´m in with all of my weaknesses/broken heart/LACK of change of heart. And on Tuesday I was dyingggg. I know that sounds dramatic, but that´s how it felt, ight? I was seriously so sad. We had a BOMB district meeting, as per usual, and I almost cried like 100x (but I didn´t. I kept it together). ANYWAY, but by the time it got to be English classes in the evening, I was defs feeling like I had to do something. And the spirit kept prompting me to ask for a blessing, but I kinda ignored it until it got to the point that I couldn´t anymore. So after classes when most everyone had left, I asked my district leader for a blessing, which I think kinda took him by surprise cause I was acting normal. But anyway, it ended up that the Cranney´s were still there, so the elders and Elder Cranney gave me a blessing. And let me tell you, I could not stop myself from crying. I literally couldn´t. It was low key embarassing on account of I was just crying pretty hard and everyone was like "what´s even happening?" But the blessing was good (my first one received in Spanish, yo), and in it Elder Muños said that the Lord is still expecting more of me, and that I just need to keep going. Which I know, but it was good to hear. Anyway, but then after it was kinda awkwardish cause I was just crying and I think everyone was pretty worried about me (lolz). So then the Cranney´s drove us home, but Elder Cranney took us out to ice cream first. How nice, amirite? He´s really nice.

So after that hysterical incident, I had another real talk with my comp in which I expressed more of my feelings in general and also we had another comp inventory. It bothers me that I´m so weak in that I feel like I have to have a really good relationship with all the people I spend a lot of time with. Things would be a ton more chill if I could just accept the fact that my comp and I are super, super, super different, and not be bothered by it, but I can´t. I don´t know. And honestly I feel a little bit emotionally abused. There´s a ton of manipulation and mind-games at play, but I know she doesn´t know she´s doing it, so I try to just let it go. But it´s really taken its toll on me. I feel like I´m constantly walking on egg shells and it doesn´t really matter what I do, because nothing can truly fix the situation. Maybe help it, but not solve its fundamental problems. I know that your companions help prepare you for marriage and stuff, but I´m pretty dang sure I´d never be in so far with someone emotionally unstable like this. I guess you can´t always know with stuff like that, but I´d like to imagine that I´ll never, ever be in a relationship like this again. Cause I would for sure classify it as "unhealthy."

So yeah, I felt slightly better after that, but not a ton, per se. Then on Thursday, we had divisions with the hermana training leaders, which was slightly untimely, but also actually good timing in that I wanted to talk to someone. But I went out with Hermana Moreno, from Columbia, who was actually in Horqueta herself for six months. And she´s really nice and outgoing, but doesn´t really do deep emotional conversations, that I could tell, because she literally didn´t ask me a single question the entire time we were together. Mostly we just visited and had lessons with the people in the area she wanted to visit. It was ight, but not really fulfilling. Also, she´s pretty bold with her contacting, and our styles are pretty different. She goes up to groups of like 10 plus people and just kinda starts preaching. I don´t know if I´m just scared or what, but I really don´t enjoy that type of thing. She also likes contacting people who are drinking (like alcohol) so that she can help them to "darse cuenta" with what they´re doing. Also NOT my style. But it was ok overall, I guess.

Good news:

On Saturday the elders had a wedding and a baptism for two of their investigators, and it was BOMB! Like, the decorations were ON POINT, it was super fun, everyone was happy, there were pictures, music, CAKE, etc. And after their baptisms they had a huge dance party (but obviously as missionaries we can´t join in and party :() BUT, we got to be there because we were in charge of cleaning up after and stuff, and also there were a lot of investigators there, so there was work to be done. But seriously, it was so fun. It was like a hecka typical latin party with blaring Spanish music (#polkaparaguaya), tons of people dancing, etc. And all the people from the rama were there, and I just felt really happy. It was probably the most fun experience I´ve had thus far on the mish.

And the best news of all is that Jesus Christ lives, loves me, and is with me throughout this entire experience. I may be suffering more than I ever have before, but it´s bound my heart to the Savior´s in a way I never knew possible. As you know, I´ve been praying for a change of heart like CRAZY to try to gain more charity and more love for missionary work. I like to think that this is a righteous desire (IT IS), and quite honestly, well-deserved for the sacrifice I made in choosing to come on a mission practically for the sole reason that God wanted me to. And I´ve just been praying and praying and working and working and figuring that it´s about time that my broken heart be changed for a new one. Right? RIGHT? My theme for this cambio was "change of heart," and I really figured by the end (which I am at now) I would have made a lot of progress. But I haven´t, and it´s kind of devastated me. I mean I know patience is a valuable quality, and that sometimes God´s answer is "wait", but I always assumed that applied to different types of situations. Why would God be telling me I need to "wait" before he´ll bless me with more charity? But guess what? HE IS. OMGosh. I literally got my answer this past week. God is telling me to WAIT. And to just hang in there. Which is CRAZY to me. Really brings to your mind "man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend" (Mosiah 4:9) I know that charity is a gift I can only develop with God´s help, but I just assumed that if I was out here and kept working, he´d just give it to me. But I was wrong. He´s preparing me, I can feel it. And I feel so sad and sometimes so unmotivated BUT I never feel alone, and I never feel abandoned. Neal A. Maxwell said, "One´s life cannot be both faith-filled and stress-free... Therefore, how can you and I really expect to flide naively through life, as if to say, "Lord, give me experience, but not grief, not sorrow, not pain, not opposition, not betrayal, and certainly not to be forsaken. Keep from me, Lord, all those experiences which made Thee what Thou art! Then let me come and dwell with Thee and fully share Thy joy!" Real faith is required to endure this necesarry but painful developmental process." Anyway, I have faith that things will work out, and I know I´ll feel nothing but gratitude for all of these experiences (once they´re over... lolz. Jk, I´m grateful for them now. But I´ll probz be more grateful after.)

ANYWAY, I love you a lot a lot and hope you are receiving blessings x2 right now for my missionary service. If God is "taking" all my blessings and giving them to you, that´d be chill with me (not that that´s how blessings from God work...) Changes are tomorrow and I´ll find out my fate for the next transfer. I´m trying not to stress about it too much because I know it´s all just the will of God. If I got to choose, we all know what I´d choose, but I also know things could always be worse, so I´m happy to just leave it up to the Lord

#pray4Holly

xoxo Hermana Ross

Me and my comp with the sick wedding decor

THE district. p.s. It was SO HOT. I was lit-rally melting

The youths

Comp good times

me with a pollito! there were a freaking ton. I had like 10 on my lap at one point. Also, can you tell how hot it is in this picture?

Bendito Sol

Divisions with the sister leaders, I was with Hermana Moreno from Columbia

the youths in the back of President´s truck. We ride in the back of his truck super often, on account of he and the Cranney´s are the one people with cars in the rama. It´s mid-level peligroso, but #yolo

Service project. Sry I´m looking ratchet (it was 1,000,000 degrees). Also, I´m super, super white. Ughhh.

presh youths hanging out